Alien vs Orca

“Oh, Matthew, my love!”

Five pairs of eyes were fixed on the TV set, four of them beginning to well with tears. Juan, dressed in a peach sweater vest, sat straight in a lazy boy next to Griet’s old plaid couch that held Griet, Shawn and Aaron all in it’s plushy hold. Griet, with her blonde hair mashed up into a bun, was curled up on one side of the couch, nibbling her nails as the blanket she was clinging to was being slowly stolen by Shawn, inch by inch, unbeknownst to her. Aaron was next to him, his normally smirking face now serious and set on the TV, undistractable. And lastly, Han sat in a second lazy boy opposite Juan’s. Han’s hair was carefully crafted to appear messy and he sat, or rather sprawled, across the lazy boy, a happy smile plastered across his face.

“That’ll never last.” Griet broke the silence with a snorting laugh. “He’ll probably die next season.”

Glares assaulted her from every direction. Griet shrunk into her blanket, looking around quickly. “What? What’d I say?”

“No Alien marathon this year, guys. This year is going to be all about … Orcas!” Connor announced with pride, holding up a pair of documentaries as he burst into Griet’s apartment. 

The group looked up from their trance like state of watching Downton Abbey and blinked away the threatening tears.

“No messing with long established traditions! Everyone knows that February 14th is the day we take a moment to celebrate monsters exploding out of peoples’ chests in a shower of blood,” Juan protested.

“Has anyone thought about the fact that maybe that shouldn’t be a tradition?” Aaron asked, looking around the room with a grin. Juan gave him a dirty look. Connor ran a hand through his long mangy hair.

“Did you know how cruel it is that orcas are kept in captivity? One in every...”

“Connor, you know you’re not supposed to watch documentaries. They make you cry too much. It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved,” Griet put in.

“Griet’s right, it’s far more fun to watch you cry during Aliens,” Aaron agreed.

“That was one time,” Connor started, but Juan interrupted.

“Tradition is tradition, we have to stick with the Alien movies, no question.”

“I think it’d be fun to change things up,” Han said.

“You think what?” Juan asked in a low voice, leaning forward in his chair.

“I’ve always thought that it should be a day honoring the great love between Han Solo and Princess Leia.”

Juan turned on Han, wild eyed and wielding an accusing finger. “Star Wars already has May the Fourth, you do not get another day and frankly your opinion is not wanted here, sir!”

“I think he might have watched too much BBC...” Griet whispered to Shawn. He gave a solemn nod.

Han leapt to his feet and whipped out a plastic lightsaber. “You take that back!”

Griet stared at him, wide eyed. “You just have one of those on you?”

“You tell him what’s what, Juan!” Aaron called encouragement from the couch. “Star Trek has no place on such a great holiday.”

Han turned on Aaron and held the lightsaber to his throat. “You suck.”

“We could always just leave it as Valentine’s Day, you know, celebrate with chocolate and stuff,” Griet said, voice fading as Connor gave her a condescending look.

“Oh, sweet Griet. Just, don’t talk, okay?”

Griet threw up her hands. “For the last time, that whole “Sweet Griet” thing is never going to catch on-” She went into a stunned silence as Connor put out his hand to shush her and continued his rant.

“These beautiful creatures are being mercilessly tortured, how can you guys not want to see that?” Connor paused. “Wait, that came out wrong...”

“How about international Peach Day?” Shawn asked.

“Peaches?” Juan looked at Shawn in disbelief. “Does no one respect tradition anymore?”

“Guys, come on, lets just eat chocolate and make fun of a romantic comedy like normal people. Alien sounds completely over rated anyway,” Griet said.

All eyes in the room turned to her.

“Wait.” Aaron shook his head in disbelief. “You... You haven’t seen Alien...?”

Griet shrugged, oblivious to the deep silence that had come over the room. “No, but I’ve heard it basically invented scary, which, you know,” she laughed, “is completely ridiculous.” Her laugh faded as no one joined in, everyone staring at her. Connor threw the documentaries over his shoulder and grabbed the Alien case.

“That's it. We’re watching Alien.”

2013, Looking Back

Happy February First!!

Most people did their reflecting on 2013 a little closer to New Years. But if these posts were ever really on time, you’d think us predictable.

Overall, Kara and I are not terribly sad to bid 2013 goodbye.

Especially considering 2014 promises X-Men, Spiderman, another Hobbit and freaking Godzilla.

But we did learn a few things in 2013 that we’ll never forget.

1. The gas money spent on road trips from here to Kansas every other weekend is totally worth it.

2. Benedict Cumberbatch is amazing.

3. Writing about our lives is disturbingly enlightening.

4. The Legend of Zelda just keeps getting better.

5. The show Merlin is so good that watching all five seasons twice in one year isn’t just possible, it’s completely wonderful.

Here's hoping 2014 is even more awesome!

- The Sisters Kohrs

The Lost Decades

Back when I was in high school I was yelled at at a slumber party for not knowing who Kramer from Seinfeld was. This was not an isolated event. Similar displays of shock and horror have taken place centering around a particular gap in knowledge that Katie and I share. We missed the 80’s and the 90’s. (Though in Katie’s defence she wasn’t actually born in the 80’s.) So almost any pop culture reference to those decades will go over our heads. 

Usually when these types of situations arise it’s easiest to play along and pretend to know what someone is talking about.

However, whenever we are feeling brave or spiteful we might just confess.

 

After the initial shock wears off, lists of must see movies usually follow.

Now we didn’t miss everything. We totally saw Jurassic Park and…uh...Balto. And I had years of nightmares to prove it. From Jurassic Park, not Balto.

Recently we have gone back to catch a few of the movies from those decades.

Most of our energy has been spent on sci-fi. Over the last few weeks we’ve watched the first 3 Terminator movies, Predator, and all 4 Alien movies in 4 days.

 Here’s what we’ve learned so far-

 

1. You had to have watched some movies when they came out to really get them. Such is the case with Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I watched it a few years ago and didn’t like it. No seriously, what was up with that movie? I was going to include a humorous drawing about it but I couldn't shake my general indifference toward that movie to even come up with anything. 

2. Sometimes movies don’t live up to the hype. Like Alien. For years people have told stories about the first time they ever saw it and how terrifying it was. Was it scary? Yes. Sort of. Was the terror the stuff of legends? No. 

3. The actors who play older roles in modern movies used to be young. I know, mind blown.

4. Sometimes the original awesomeness of the movie and the outdated cheesiness meld to make something very enjoyable. Yes Footloose, I'm talking about you. Leg warmers and 80's music here I come.

- Kara

Injuries of Mystery

Recently, I used some hand sanitizer and was instantly overcome by agonizing pain.

I had a cut on my hand.

And I don't know where it came from.

I often get mysterious cuts, but this one was oddly shaped, which got me thinking...

Where do they come from?

A logical person would probably say something like "I bumped it when in a rush and didn't notice until now" or something like that.

My train of thought went more like this...

But the truth? We may never know...

- Katie

Merry Christmas!

- The Sisters Kohrs

The WhoTanic Agreement

Last night, a verbal treaty was agreed upon. A war that has lasted several long years has come to an end that has left both sides wondering, was any of it really worth it?

A long, long time ago, it came to the world’s attention that I, Katie, had never seen Titanic.

At first it was just fun to shock people with this fact.

But then, Kara started insisting that I watch it, that it was an important experience for me.

Then it all morphed into a stubbornness contest, which is a dangerous thing amongst Feral Women. Kara decided she would find a way to make me watch it, and I decided it was a dumb movie designed to manipulate you emotionally and that people make their friends watch it just to see them cry like those people did when they watched it.

It’s become more and more dramatic and infamous over the years.

Then there’s the topic of Doctor Who. I’ve watched the show for years and have tried to get Kara to watch it, which she has always shut down with some emphasis. I think this is because Whovians can be pretty scary opinionated about it, myself included, plus if you’ve ever tried to explain it to a non-fan in a few sentences, it honestly sounds pretty lame.

(Kara - It looks lame and creepy and it’s irritating and emotionally manipulative that so many characters die. Also it just doesn’t interest me :)

These two wars have raged on for years, until last night when they collided in a surprising twist. Kara asked if we could watch Titanic for her birthday, which was Friday, by the way, and I returned with an offer. I would watch Titanic if she would watch all seven seasons of Doctor Who.

To my shock and dismay, she, with great hesitance, agreed.

As the reality of the deal we had just struck slowly sank in over the next few minutes, we both shuddered in the face of our future.

The wars were now over, but at what cost?

We watched Titanic last night, and I am proud to say I did not weep. It was emotionally manipulative, yes, but I reluctantly admit it was a good movie. Darn you, James Cameron and your confusingly broad and awesome skill at movie making… But that’s a post for another day.

The good part of my end of the deal, though, is that my suffering is mostly over. Now, I get to watch all of Doctor Who again with my very Anti-Whovian sister. This should be pretty interesting.

Unfortunately, the idea of Kara ever watching Who has always been completely ridiculous, so I’ve given her a lot of spoilers over the years. So I asked her what all she knows about Doctor Who.

Her response is as follows.

WARNING: The following contains some massive Doctor Who spoilers mixed with some very inaccurate ones.

Prepare yourself. 

- Katie

******************************

I've never seen a whole episode of Doctor Who. In fact I've only seen parts of maybe 4 or 5 episodes, mostly under duress. But living among several Who-ites I have overheard and been told a lot about Doctor Who. So based on the last several years this is what I know or think I know about Doctor Who.

1.Doctor Who is the last time lord and he travels around time with a companion who is almost always a young attractive girl who dies tragically. They have adventures.

2. The first doctor is Christopher Eccleston and he was only on for one season. He is more serious than the newer doctors. I know there was a huge love fest for him among my Who-ites and they had trouble adjusting to David Tennant after him. However after several seasons with light hearted doctors they may not love him as much as they used to.

3. Rose is the first companion and she was adored by all Who-ites. I think she dies or whatever in the 2nd season. There also could be some sort of unresolved romance between her and the doctor, but I’m not sure about that one.

4. David Tennant is the 2nd doctor and he is possibly the most loved. Honestly though, I’m not sure whether he or Matt Smith is the most popular, or if Who-ites are just fickle and after a little rage they always love the current doctor best. He is sort of nerdy and gangly and eccentric and crazy looking. I want to say he is only on for 2 seasons but it could be 3.

5. Time is a wibbly wobbly something or other.

6. Doctor Who travels in the Tartis which is a blue telephone box. It’s bigger on the inside then it is on the outside.

7. Doctor who’s main weapon is a sonic toothbrush. Each doctor’s toothbrush looks different. They are irritatingly overpriced to buy as gifts for Who-ites.

8. The Dalicks are the main villains of Doctor Who. They destroyed his planet and all the time lords. Every now and then they pop in and try and destroy everything. They have electronicy voices. They look sort of old school because they are from the original Doctor Who series and it became tradition not to change them.

9. Doctor Who has two hearts.

10. When Doctor Who “dies” he can regenerate. This was started because in the original series they would cast very old actors who would die. In theory he can only regenerate 12 times but because its so popular they have either found a loophole or discarded that rule. Whenever he regenerates he checks to see if he has red hair because he wants to be a ginger. He has never gotten that dream.

11. After Rose there are a series of companions whose names I don't know. There’s an older red headed lady and Harriet from Little Dorrit. There is some companion that appears in an episode as a different character before becoming a companion.

12. Colin Morgan from Merlin appears in one episode as an angsty teen and he is awesome.

13. Every british actor must be in at least 1 episode of Doctor Who. The fact that characters die willy nilly every episode makes this both possible and necessary.

14. The characters are witty.

15. Matt Smith is the current doctor. He always wears bow ties because they are cool. He is the youngest doctor who yet. He has either just died or will die soon.

16. Within the last few seasons there was a young, cute, redheaded companion who was wildly popular. Her name might be Amy Pond. She marries some guy who was sent back in time to like ancient Rome or something and had to live through hundreds of years of history to get back to her. They had their wedding night and the Tartis and had a time lord kid named River Song who married the doctor as an adult. She might have given up her powers to save him but I’m not sure about that. Amy Pond and husband have died or whatever recently.

17. The next actor they have cast is older and people have their doubts about him.

18. One of the newest companions is a brunette that looks more like she should be on the CW then doctor who. Apparently she has a super cool back story.

19. The 3d doctor who movie was awesome and the 3d was really good.

20.There are fixed points in time that can’t be changed.

21. Something mind blowing happened recently involving fixed points and it changed everything. Doctor Who may have gone back and saved his planet which supposedly was a fixed point.

22. There is a creepy skin flap women who needs to be moisturized. She is the last human.

23. Weeping angel statues are scary.

- Kara

Feral Birthday

Last weekend was my birthday and it was awesome.

All the talk of birthdays got me thinking back on past birthdays and how my opinion of them has changed over the years.

When I was little, birthdays were the coolest thing since edible play dough. Not only did you get presents but the day was supposed to be all about you. You even got a themed party, though I was never very good at them, plus I always thought giving away all those awesome party favors was weird. It was my birthday after all, wasn't I the only one who was supposed to get presents?

But then, something I like to call "The Bella Swan Syndrome" began when I got into highschool. Birthdays got very uncool. It was horrifying if anyone outside the family wishes me happy birthday and utterly humiliating if your teacher said in front of the class.

Over the years I've settled somewhere in the middle, birthdays are a little awkward but they can be fun. Since starting college, this is what usually happens...

- Katie